Just so you know...

If it can cause a boner, it can fix a heart (the logic behind PDEIII)

Proof that they update 'USMLE First Aid'

Phrases I've heard that answer themselves

“Man.  Why is it so hard to find a pair of Yoga shoes in men’s sizes?”

Exam time

Medical Fact of the Day

Smoking weed is associated with Man-Tits (gynecomastia)

My Weightlifting Contingency

Life is all about comparison and sizing up.  In the wild, animals will fight to prove dominance and decide which one gets to breed and which one has to hold the camcorder for the whole thing (camera guy and best boy grip are generally the lowest members of any pack…  apart from the fluffers, which I assume are those with the furriest coat).  Mankind, despite his lofty ambitions towards greatness and enlightenment, still has some of these tendencies.  Don’t get me wrong, virility can now be established by new and exciting techniques. 

1.  Wealth

Nevertheless, men will often go towards the basest level of dominance to decide hierarchy amongst each other, especially when in a position of equivalent socio-economic status.  There are many theories about how to actually measure one’s animalistic manhood. 

1.  Phallus Length- The most obvious way to measure one’s manhood is to actually measure one’s manhood.   This, unfortunately, is often awkward and even contested bitterly, due to the discrepancy between where to actually start measuring the member (some even include a portion of the perineum- science for taint), whether the length should be averaged between flaccid and erect, and whether or not correcting for curvature is allowed.

2.  Pulling Ability- In some male circles, the ability to ‘game’ a woman into coitus is the real measure of manhood, as intercourse tends to be the desired end result of most male activities.  In this scenario, the amount and quality of women one sleeps with typically decides the degree of one’s manhood.  Even this simple measure evokes contention, as the practice of sleeping with the morbidly obese/mentally challenged/horrifically disfigured in order to sure up larger numbers (i.e. more manliness) has corrupted this male calculus.  Thus, an equation was born:

M= 0.1(n₁(D + S_A)HK) + 0.1(n₂(D + S_A)HK) + 0.1(n₃(D + S_A)HK) + …

Where:

M = Masculinity

n = # of sexual encounters of a specific type with the same girl

D = Degree of sexual contact, where quantified values are specified thusly:

0.1 - Tongue contact.

0.5 - Genital stimulation via the hand

0.8 - Oral contact with the phallus

1.0 - Coitus 

1.5 - Anything kinky 

-1 - Cunnilingus (the current paradigm of manhood does not allow for a woman’s pleasure)

(Note: Only one value of D per every n is permitted.  Cumulative activities are not additive for each encounter and cunnilingus automatically defaults the value of D to -1)

S_A = ‘Sexual aid’- Incorporation of additional stimulus via a random or house hold object, quantized into specific values:

0.0 – Use of fingers

0.2 - Use of thumb (note: must me mid-coitus)

0.8 - Use of fist*

0.4 - Use of vegetable up to size of cucumber

0.7 - Use of vegetable up to size of eggplant *

0.8 - Use of kitchenware

1.0 - Use of household tools

1.3 - Use of power tools*

*Note: The use of larger vegetables/fists/power tools is contested in some circles, due to the logic that it ceases to be a feat of coital ingenuity and encroaches on the quality of the feminine specimen (the indictment being that use of a larger object indicates familiarity and frequency of usage, thus impugning the assumed sexual victory)

**Note: A recent addendum by the ‘Maxim Subscriber Society’ suggests that if any of the values described in S_A are used on the male, one must use the negative absolute value of (D + S_A), since anal play on the male is traditionally viewed by the ‘Jersey Shoreian’ male as ‘for homos’.  For instance, a value as positive as achieved by bondage and use of a power tool (1.5 + 1.3 = 2.8) becomes (-2.8) when the power drill-dildo is used on the male. 

H = The standardized, average attractiveness rating from 1 to 10 of the female, as agreed upon by the International Committee for Weights and Measurements

K = Refers to ‘Krunk’: the reciprocal of the amount of drinks needed by the consenting party before the sexual encounter could happen

3.  Fighting Ability- For centuries, man has battled to prove he is greater than the next with violence and brutality.  The equation is pretty straightforward:

Winner of fight > Loser of fight > Guy that ran from fight

4.  Strength-  The quantification of manhood qua strength has been the same for years now.

% Man = Pounds able to bench press – 100

The above metrics aren’t without some degree of inconvenience.  Measuring one’s unique sexual length is not suitable for most social encounters, as one rarely carries a tape measure everywhere one goes.  Pulling ability quantification is crude and uncertain at best and riddled with regrets, STDs, awkward encounters and potential Fatal Attraction-style stabbings at worst.  Fighting ability, though generally definitive on a brain stem level of dominance understanding, may cause one to lose more faculties with each performance and be relegated to function solely with the aforementioned brain stem.  Because of the previously mentioned reason, the easiest/safest way to prove one’s masculinity is to work out and develop a decent bench press.

Going to the gym on a regular basis generally gives one a chance to consistently compare one’s self to others.  Since I decided to try to be more of the classical description of a ‘Man’, I began to go to the gym a while back.  It seemed like the best way to ‘prove’ manhood, while still benefiting my general health. Unfortunately, weight lifting has taken its toll on me.  Because I was doing the pretty boy bench press, I managed to dislodge my Sternoclavicular joint.  Now, every time I take a lift a little funny, I can feel that clavicle wiggle just a little bit on my chest and then I spend the next day or two with an itchy chest (pathogenesis- Curse of Neptune derived from making eye contact with a reflection of myself during a lift.  Treatment- Vampire toe nail and marmalade poultice a fortnight after every full moon).  This injury has caused me to modify my technique and rebuild muscle after it sort of healed.  But this transition caused me to:

1.  Become weaker- Despite the complete uselessness of the chest press for anything I do, guys will respond more to other men's tits more than any other part of the body (force of habit)

2.  Have less endorphines temporarily- For a little bit, I was a LOT weaker and a little less happy.  I relapsed back into cutting after meals...

3.  Have a greater distance between my mouth and nipple- complicating self-breast feeding (a process by which I plan to lose less Calcium since it's constantly cycled)

Nevertheless, my strength returned and my male status was restored.  Things were going well.  I got back up to a decent weight on the bench and even started taking Olympic Lifting lessons.  I decided that, since all weightlifting is functionless in regards to real world application (apart from positive health and hormonal effects), I might as well do the lifts that seem the coolest.  As you can imagine, it took weeks to stop making really inane jokes about the two lifts:  The Clean and Jerk/ The Snatch.  Unfortunately, immediately before beginning this practice, I managed to tear my meniscus.  This, of course, is a problem.  

            As you all remember from your Roman history, ever since the assassination of Caligula in 41AD, cartilage (like the menisci) have been largely underperfused due to the poor vascularization of the structure.  Since blood can’t really get there, the chondrocytes (cartilage making cells) don’t get extra shit to make more cartilage.  Basically, any injury to joints causes problems with healing and may require surgical intervention.  Since this isn’t an injury for which there is minimal accommodation in the world of lifting, I may have to find a new hobby.  Fortunately, I think I found it already:

Keeping it Gangster

After finding out that "DRE" means "Digital Rectal Exam", I have not been able to look at Dr. Dre the same way and have serious doubts about his Orthodontic Clinic...

Amalgamated thoughts

4/27 at 3:00

  I just forgot which side of the colon was distal and which was proximal.  I suppose “misplacing” information here and there goes with the territory of relentlessly cramming knowledge into a finite storage space.  Nevertheless, after an entire week of studying the asshole and all its friends (the “ATM” chapter, as I like to call it), I can’t believe I still have mental fuckups as glaring as forgetting the order of the colon (I still use my mnemnmenmenmonic “stodgy” to remember the order of the SI- StoDJI for “stomach”, “Duodenum”, “Jejunum”, “Ileum”).  Now you can impress your friends by telling them about their shit.

5/3 at 12:30

I just decided to go home instead of being one of the cracked out kids at 4 am who sleep in their cubicles.  Since I have worked as a clerk, the last fucking thing I want to do (and indeed part of why I went to school in the first place) is to fall asleep in a cubicle again.  Besides, by about 9, the bathroom floor is covered in water and toilet paper.  It looks like the aftermath of a prison riot.

5/4 at 11:00 PM

Yesterday, I found out I had super powers.  In discussing my study plans for the day, I mentioned I was camped out in Taylor hall, referring to it as “Taylor Sachs” (A play off of “Tay Sach’s Disease) to another student.  We both realized we didn’t remember anything about the disease and went about our business.  Later that day, a test the other student took featured questions about Tay Sachs, despite its utter lack from this last year’s curriculum.

This can be no coincidence.  I now have the power to shape time and space.  Last year, I put Carpal Tunnel down on the differential for every list of symptoms we were given in any class.  It started as a joke, but then I began to bull shit its viability into the pathogenesis of diseases so well that I could prove GI disturbances and even Leukemia were caused by bending one’s wrists too much while typing.  For our clinical final, my patient had Carpal Tunnel. 

I’ve decided to use this power to will Falco into a reunion tour.

5/5  at 8:30 PM

I have a fever

5/10 at 9:00 AM

So I’ve spent the last several days, curled up in a fetal position, unable to eat or drink as fluids left my body.  I return today with a  BP of 110/60 (usually 120/80- thanks, Average America) and a full 10 pounds lighter. 

Now I’m sitting next to a guy with slicked back hair, no shoes and track pants, who is playing with his toes.  I am not entirely sure that it’s a better situation. 

5/11 at 12:23 PM

In the wake of Osama Bin Laden, our hearts go out to all the “Osama Bin Hidin’” t-shirt makers, OBL Range target manufacturers, Impersonators, pundits and novelty Jammer pant embroiderers who’ve been affected by his death.  There will be a relief fund started later this month to assist those recently hit by the collapse of the $6 Million industry.

Etiologies and pathogenesis of a few diseases

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